From Now On.

I have plans.

Over the past 2 years I believe I have altered my mindset towards life. Perhaps my mother's death exactly 2 years and 2 days ago may have inspired the change in mindset at the point of time but that's another thing I will talk about another time.

2 years ago, on the 6th of September 2011, I started a project, believing that since I was given a certain gift in doing a certain thing, I had to use it for other people's benefit, specifically to help others. Weirdly, I often felt selfish when I didn't share or use the gift to benefit others. Other times, I felt like it was a burden to me and I disliked the fact that people approached me wanting to have a part of that gift for themselves. Most of all, I didn't like it that people complimented me on it and drew attention to me on the basis of that gift itself. It's like I didn't even exist, but only the gift did.

Well, long story short, after some deep thought about the whole concept one night, I was struck by inspiration (dramatic, but true, haha) and decided to start Meld. Meld is a Christian harmony tutorial website/facebook page where I casually teach harmony tutorials to 'mainstream' Christian music. I roped in my sister at the beginning for moral support, and also that she could lend to the project some teaching structure of sorts (She's a teacher). So anyway, I'm mostly a pretty independent person, especially in the case of my thoughts, my ideals and my beliefs and generally when I have made up my mind about certain things, I won't change it at all, and should someone choose to obstruct me or attempt to knock me down, I have one word, "Bulldoze". Somehow the perfect imagery I would imagine is pretty much me in a bulldozer, bulldozing you out of the way.

I wouldn't say I'm stubborn (who would?) but I would say that I have a certain commitment to the things I believe in. And of course, bulldozing doesn't mean I have to be mean. I simply agree to disagree.

After 2 years, I have seen an unexpected growth in Meld's video views and channel participation, and I am truly thankful to those who have supported me in any way from the beginning or along the way. Very cliche, but the people who supported me did provide that little push I needed when I really wanted to give up on the project. After all, if you're looking at the project financially, the project provides NO return on investment (ROI) whatsoever (sometimes not even a word of thanks, seriously). The only benefit is that I get to help people, and I feel good helping them, that's about it. Do I feel like it's worth it ALL the time? Of course not. But then again, I am reminded that even if I only help 5 people in the whole wide world, it is better than not trying and helping none at all.

I'm glad my mum got to hear about the project before she passed away. I remember telling her about it and she went, "Hmm" with a thoughtful expression. That's the thing about my parents, they are hardly disapproving towards my music explorations and always tend to sit on the side that champions "Want to do it, just do. Don't bother about what people say. As long you have your priorities right, and don't neglect your other commitments, go ahead."   

So, plans.

I've been subscribing to my own brand of "Carpe Diem" for a while now. I remember seeing it on a banner in my secondary school and completely dissing it. I've always thought that overly positive people are annoying and that they never understand that every area of life has its ups and downs, not only ups. Hope is a good thing. Too much hope, is not good. I mean, you do fail to see the limitations, the cons, the opportunity costs and all that 'negative' stuff. But the fact is, they aren't negative. One has to see objectively to really comprehend the things around them, man.

"Seize the day", that's the translation of "Carpe Diem". The simplified explanation would be, "that the future is unforeseen and that one should not leave to chance future happenings, but rather one should do all one can today to make one's future better."

The main point of my writing is really, "Life is short." If you have realisable dreams, chase them. Do what you can. If the chasing of these dreams are essential to your survival (i.e. you'll be depressed if you were told to stop doing what you enjoy doing), do it. Taking baby steps towards what you want to do in the future is definitely better than chasing someone else's dreams or walking in the opposite direction.

Don't let anyone tell you to be any thing other than what you want to be.

Being Asian definitely affects your propensity to chase any form of dreams because you have to worry about so many Asian things, if you know what I mean. Be an Asian in the ways you can. Be filial, get a stable job, chase your little dream as a part-time job, manage your family and relationships well, don't wall them out because of your dreams, and commit to do passionately what you really want to do.

I think the contentment that you get from those baby steps will make you more of the affable person you could have been (instead of being e.g. jaded, chasing someone else's dreams, bored to death in a job you hate, confined to being a housewife because your husband says so). Possibly, as a result, you unintentionally perform better at work, feel more satisfied with life, and most importantly feel happy to be alive.

Isn't it all worth it at the end?

Life's no fun if you're not even happy to be alive.

***

Post-note: My mum spent the last 3 years of her life learning the keyboard, learning the ukulele, going for a mission trip to Cambodia, and I'm pretty damn inspired by that. It's never too late to start on your own brand of a dream. Fist bump, mum.